2012雅思作文范文点评
本文来自雅思作文网liuxue86.com《范文点评》。 People can go to shop, bank and work with a computer. But the danger of the computer is that people are getting isolated and losing some social skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
The progression of computer is inevitable and undeniable. Nowadays computers also have become a part of our daily life. Instead of leaving home to go to shop bank and work people can do these at home by clicking the buttons. However, some people hold the opinion that it will cause people isolated from each other and lose social skills. Personally I find it hard for me to agree with this opinion by following reasons
In the first instance, computers are tool to communication with people instead of isolation from the world. When we say a person is isolated it means that he is lonely and cut off the world. However, people seldom have this feeling while they are surfing the Internet. On the contrary, people tend to make more friends through the net.
Secondly, people also can acquire social skills on Internet. Communication on Internet has the same purpose as face-to-face communication has. For example, through Internet we can send greeting cards to our friends. Furthermore, sometimes it might be a better way of communication on some occasions such as when you find it embarrassing to say sorry face to face we can send a message of apology to your friend.
Last but not least, doing something through Internet actually spares more time for our social life. Sometime we need to spend a lot of time shopping in department stores. Now we can save the time and may visit our friends.
In general, computer just make our life more colorful so we don’t need to worry about the changes its may bring to us. Especially most of these changes are positive.
（范文选自www.eol.cn/ielts_writing_4753/20080415/t20080415_291482.shtml环球雅思张金）
http://wWw.LiuXue86.Com/a/296793.html 2012雅思作文范文点评
讲评：
原文总体上逻辑是清楚的，直接回答了题中的问题，并得出了自己的结论。结构比较清晰，而且显示了考生在一定程度上运用复杂句型的能力。然而，一些表达显得笨拙，有的地方出现重复，不符合英文表达习惯（如原文首段的Personally I find it hard for me to agree…中的I和for me 重复。by following reasons应为for the following reasons. 第三段的Communication on Internet has the same purpose as face-to-face communication has. 原文反复使用了Internet, 没有使用替换词）文中出现了不少语法和用词错误（如原文的第一段的progression多指空间的变化，如距离和音乐演奏等，技术的进步应用progress 或improvement；Internet前一般要加the等）。原文第三段所举的例子似乎和前面的主题句的意思不是同一概念，对前句没有进一步说明的作用。因此考生会在这几个方面失分。因此，根据雅思现行评分标准，我认为该文总分应为6.5分。
请大家参照经我改写的范文对比研习。
雅思作文要想更进一步,请天天访问我们.感谢阅读《范文点评》一文.本文来自雅思作文网liuxue86.com《范文点评》。
Revised version by Wang Rutao:
http://wWw.LiuXue86.Com/a/296793.html 2012雅思作文范文点评
There is no doubt that the progress of computer science is inevitable. Nowadays the computer has become a part of our daily life. Instead of leaving home for shopping, banking or work, people can do all these at home by clicking the buttons only. However, some people hold the opinion that this will make people feel isolated from each other and lose social skills. Personally I find it hard to agree with this view for the following reasons
In the first instance, computers are a useful communication tool which may help us to get rid of the feeling of isolation. When we say a person is isolated, it means that he is lonely and cut off from the world. However, people seldom have such feeling while they are surfing the Internet. On the contrary, people tend to make more friends via cyberspace.
Secondly, people also can acquire social skills on the Internet. Online communication appears to have the same effect as a face-to-face encounter. For example, with the help of a webcam and a microphone, we can see each other and talk about any subject we like. Furthermore, sometimes it could be a better way of expressing yourself on a particular occasion. For instance, when you find it embarrassing to talk about something with your friend face to face, you can send him a message online.
Last but not least, doing something via the Internet actually spares more time for our social life. Sometimes we may have to spend a lot of time shopping in department stores, but now we can save the time for a visit to our friends.
To conclude, computers make our life more colorful, so we don’t need to worry about the changes they may bring to us. It is very likely that most of these changes are positive.
(303 words)
修改讲解：
原文第一段：Progression 一般表示空间的移动，用在这里修饰技术进步不准确，应改为progress, improvement等。leaving home to go to shop … 不如改为leaving home for shopping … 更为简练。Personally I find it hard for me to agree…中的I和for me 重复, for me 应删掉。by following reasons应为for the following reasons. 该段最后两句都用了opinion，有重复之嫌，故后句改为view。
http://wWw.LiuXue86.Com/a/296793.html 2012雅思作文范文点评
原文第二段： computers are tool to communication with people instead of isolation from the world有语法错误。改为computers are a useful communication tool which may help us to get rid of the feeling of isolation 更准确。Cut off the world 漏写了from。 Through the net 改为via cyberspace更符合现代英语的书面表达，而且原文过多使用了the Internet, 应适当使用替换词。
原文第三段：Internet 前应加上the。Communication on Internet has the same purpose as face-to-face communication has. 不仅有语法错误，而且表达笨拙，似改为Online communication appears to have the same effect as a face-to-face encounter.更符合英语表达习惯。另外，该段所举的例子缺乏说服力。
原文第四段：除个别地方有小的错误，没有其他什么问题。
雅思作文要想更进一步,请天天访问我们.感谢阅读《范文点评》一文.本文来自雅思作文网liuxue86.com《范文点评》。
最后一段： computer 前应有冠词，或用复数形式。最后一句especially一般不用在句首引导一个句子。
雅思作文要想更进一步,请天天访问我们.感谢阅读《范文点评》一文.
http://wWw.LiuXue86.Com/a/296793.html