雅思写作范文：与何钢老师点评的作文进行商榷
本文来自雅思作文网liuxue86.com《与何钢老师点评的作文进行商榷》。 大家好！我是广州仲恺雅思培训中心写作老师赖劲松。现就新东方首席写作老师何钢的在线作文一篇点评提出不同见解，欢迎大家一起参加讨论，共同探讨怎么写出符合雅思评分标准的文章。
从何老师的点评中可看出其作为新东方的顶尖英语实力。但我觉得其对雅思习作的主流评分方法与我的大相径庭，为了让广大的鸭友在写作上获得更清晰的认识，故就同一道习作进行点评如下：
Now many people think that we are spending too much time and money on protecting animals. The money should be better spent on human population. Do you agree or disagree?
学生作文：
In reality, a large number of money have been funded on the development of human population in order to enhance the living standand. Although government and animal lovers have started to assist in conservation of animals, lacking of money and social awareness is still a key problem of animal conservation progam. now people should care and pay more for animals rather than living in luxury.
Government have put certain fund on wild animals, while a few part of them was spent on protecting animals legally. Instead, large account of money has been cost to murder them. eg. in scientific research, animals are more like victims whose body might suffer a lot even damaged through experiment in aimning of coming out a result from experiment, rather than lucky ones who can benefit lots care and love from hunman being. From long term view, government should not only spend money for current profits but aslo pay more for our generations.
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Admittedly, although money has been gathered to set covervation program for animals, it is so limited that animals could not get a better care in zoos. Lacking of money is the mainly problem to maintain the running of zoos, which cause the animals have to transform to another area, and some of them could die for the frequently traving and uncomfortable weather. Animals are facing awful fate unless government could settle the financial issue by all means.
To sum up, animals lovers should do more effort to save the endanged animals especially rare species, by wakening up the social awareness and donating money. where people could save money for animals ,when we will get benefit from wildlife.
赖劲松的评点：
文章明显偏题，考试中这样得5分，若最后得分为6，其TASK1须拿7分或以上。
审题（基本上与何老师相同，只有最后的“人”我理解为“人口”）：现在许多人认为我们在保护动物方面花了太多的时间和金钱。这些时间和金钱与其用来保护动物，不如用来花在人身上。你同意不同意这个观点？
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1、 语法错误何老师分析很详细，照搬。
2、 第一段INTRODUCTION和末段CONCLUSION一般只看头尾是否呼应，相互矛盾则严厉扣分。（本文没有出现矛盾，但呼应不好，一般考生最好给人一个清晰的回答，即让人清楚你的立场/观点）
3、 主体段BODY1明显偏题。按题目要求，应论证该不该这样做，而作者写成有没有这样做。还有逻辑丢分，作者最后的个人感想与上文没有逻辑联系
（附何老师点评：第二段话说的是政府虽然花了钱，但并不是保护动物，而是用动物做实验等。观点得体，但缺乏论证。为什么政府不应该花钱拿动物做实验，而是要保护动物？你应该说出你的具体理由而不是光泛泛地说为了子孙后代。）
4、 而在BODY2中，表面上看似乎符合题目中we are spending too much time and money on protecting animals要求。其实不然，这是一道明显的D型（对比）题，假如你写的观点不能将两个方面进行比较，然后得出与导语一致的立场，你就没有完全符合题目要求。作者明显忽视了关键的第二个方面better spent on human population的论证。、 （何老师点评：第三段写得不错，用了让步加反驳论证，也分析了原因。结论段短促有力，基本合理。）
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5、让我来写这篇文章的话，我的主体框架如下：
INTRO：反对-------—不应花在人口上，花在动物上值得。
BODY1，花在human population上的钱主要集中在改善人们的生活和容纳更多的人口。而生活的改善具体体现在汽车增加，添置电器和建设更多的公路等，甚至占用花园（grass）。另外，人口增长带来了工业发展，城市变大，即更多的grasslands被占用。要知道，each person is a pollutant to nature. 所以在这方面投入越大，per person对natural resources的demand增加，且gross consumption会被accelerated by the increasing population. Consequently, more fossil fuels are exploited and hence more pollution is tremendously created, resulting in the disappearance of thousands of creature species yearly.
BODY2, everyone knows, 动物和人类coexist才能保持生态平衡，要是这个地球的大部分动物都die out了，人类的死期也近了。Imagine, creature chain的一环断了，那些数以亿计的pests and insects(without 天敌--natural enemies，它们的繁殖力--reproductive capability远超过人类的防护能力)将把人类赶出地球。The time and money spent on the protection of animals are vitally worthwhile and meaningful, absolutely not a waste.
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结论：I wonder if we can stop the destruction of our planet before it is too late. It goes without saying that the growth of human population must be discouraged and energy-saving practice advocated whereas more funding should be put forward to protect animals particular the wildlife.
6、 To sum up, 此考生英语表达水平达6。5分水平，但其对题目的题型要求理解含糊，文章组织结构也不好，以后考试运气好不跑题就拿六分，否则只有五分。 最后想跟大家说一句：雅思写作没有学生想的那么难，但也没有老师想的那么易。
广州仲恺雅思培训中心赖劲松。 2004。02。23。
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